When the music's over..

Dance on fire as it intends..

Costumes & scripts.

Rehearsal at 5am:
Get up. Smoke a cigarette. Breathe.

Pull out the script. Read while brushing and trying not to fall asleep after sleeping at 4am because that’s when the dress rehearsal ended last night.
Read while rinsing your mouth.
Read while trying to light another cigarette.
Read while trying to make coffee, getting ready, lighting another cigarette and driving off to the stage.

Oh, the stage. Heart flutters, blood pressures dipping and rising, nervous butterflies creating havoc in the stomach, nerves on fire and then on ice, jitters as you walk towards the stage, weaving through the audience seats. Cold, wet wooden floor - the stage. Blinding fluorescent lights that make your eyes water.

I smoke another cigarette, remembering my first kiss ever - in front of 25,000 people, on stage, in Germany, falling in love with my rapist. Director’s cue, voice exercises with words that cause tongue epilepsies. Going over the lines - I’m Lena Younger from ‘A raisin in the sun’. Then, it begins. Recitation, improvisation, re-rehearsals, exists and entries, intimation, intonation, retakes, cuts, piquant on-stage kisses and enervation at the end of it all. Breathe while trying squeezing in a cigarette break during the song of a dying snowflake. As if it wasn’t as though you’d just ploughed a field 1027113 times, you get one hour to gather yourself. Unlock the car. Hit the gas. Faster. 45 minutes. Bathe. Dry. Rehearse your lines on your way back. Get pushed around the green room. Undress in front of a 60 other people trying to get into their costumes. Voice exercises. Shaking hands. Adrenaline rush. Last minute regrets. On his cue: Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. It’s show time.
failedsuicideclub:

the-selfish-machinez:

lumos-of-my-life:

iamsherlokid:

highonvodka:

themixedbagofspooky:

spoopy-len-in-a-dress:

riningear:

doryishness:

displaced-angel:

ryedragon:

inritum:

reblog and make a wish!this was removed from tumbrl due to “violating one or more of Tumblr’s Community Guidelines”, but since my wish came true the first time, I’m putting it back. :)

OH MY FUCKING GOD, IT’S BACK ON MY DASH.
THIS SHIT WORKS OKAY, I AM DEAD SERIOUS.
The last time I saw this on my dash, I didn’t think it would happen, so jokingly I wished I could go to a fun. concert.
AND GUESS WHAT, I WENT TO A FUCKING FUN. CONCERT.
THIS SHIT WORKS, TRY IT.

YOOOOOOO
I SAW THIS ON MY DASH THE OTHER DAY AND THOUGHT “ITS WORTH A TRY” SO I WISHED I COULD GET A 3DS
LITERALLY LIKE 4 DAYS LATER MY DAD SENT ME A PICTURE OF THE 3DS XL HE BOUGHT FOR ME WHILE I WAS AT SCHOOL
IM STILL FREAKING OUT ABOUT THIS

holy fuck, I didn’t expect this to work, I was like psh, whatever it’s just a quick reblog, but I wished my Dad would actually respond back to me AND HE FUCKING DID A FEW DAYS LATER, I GOT A FUCKING TEXT FROM MY DAD TODAY WHO HASN’T SPOKEN OR RESPONDED TO ME IN MONTHS HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THIS MAGIC IT WORKS. 

I WANTED TO SEE MY BOYFRIEND AND I DIDN’T THINK I’D GET DAYS OFF BUT THIS WEEKEND I’M HEADING UP THERE??? THIS IS CRAZY SHIT 

SO LIKE I JOKINGLY WISHED FOR MY OWN LEN KAGAMINE AND THEN LIKE A WEEK LATER I GOT A LEN NENDOROID??? H ELP

WTF OKAY SO THIS SHOT ACTUALLY WORKS BECAUSE WHEN I WISHED, I HAD WISHED MY CRUSH WOULD LIKE ME BACK AND GUESS WHAT? I HAVE A BOYFRIEND NOW. WHAT THE HELLLLL?????

ok I’ve said this before but IM DOING IT AGAIN THE FIRST TIME I SAW THIS, MY WISH DID COME TRUE SO I REBLOGED AGAIN AND SAID IT IN THE TAGS BUT THEN I WISHED FOR SMTH ELSE AND IT LITERALLY LITERALLY HAPPENED LIKE A COUPLE DAYS LATER WHAT THE HELL SO NOW IM WRITING THIS HERE FOR YOU BC I DONT BELIEVE IN THIS CRAP BUT STILL IT’S AN AWFULLY BIG COINCIDENCE

So last time I reblogged this I met Tom Hiddleston within the month…

I saw this twice before and I didn’t really believe it but I wished for the same thing both times and now seeing it again I realise that I got my wish… The guy I like likes me back

OMG I WISHED MY CRUSH WOULD LOVE ME BACK AND ONE WEEK LATER WE CAME TOGETHER!!!!


I hate all of you.

failedsuicideclub:

the-selfish-machinez:

lumos-of-my-life:

iamsherlokid:

highonvodka:

themixedbagofspooky:

spoopy-len-in-a-dress:

riningear:

doryishness:

displaced-angel:

ryedragon:

inritum:

reblog and make a wish!


this was removed from tumbrl due to “violating one or more of Tumblr’s Community Guidelines”, but since my wish came true the first time, I’m putting it back. :)

OH MY FUCKING GOD, IT’S BACK ON MY DASH.

THIS SHIT WORKS OKAY, I AM DEAD SERIOUS.

The last time I saw this on my dash, I didn’t think it would happen, so jokingly I wished I could go to a fun. concert.

AND GUESS WHAT, I WENT TO A FUCKING FUN. CONCERT.

THIS SHIT WORKS, TRY IT.

YOOOOOOO

I SAW THIS ON MY DASH THE OTHER DAY AND THOUGHT “ITS WORTH A TRY” SO I WISHED I COULD GET A 3DS

LITERALLY LIKE 4 DAYS LATER MY DAD SENT ME A PICTURE OF THE 3DS XL HE BOUGHT FOR ME WHILE I WAS AT SCHOOL

IM STILL FREAKING OUT ABOUT THIS

holy fuck, I didn’t expect this to work, I was like psh, whatever it’s just a quick reblog, but I wished my Dad would actually respond back to me AND HE FUCKING DID A FEW DAYS LATER, I GOT A FUCKING TEXT FROM MY DAD TODAY WHO HASN’T SPOKEN OR RESPONDED TO ME IN MONTHS HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THIS MAGIC IT WORKS. 

I WANTED TO SEE MY BOYFRIEND AND I DIDN’T THINK I’D GET DAYS OFF BUT THIS WEEKEND I’M HEADING UP THERE??? THIS IS CRAZY SHIT 

SO LIKE I JOKINGLY WISHED FOR MY OWN LEN KAGAMINE AND THEN LIKE A WEEK LATER I GOT A LEN NENDOROID??? H ELP

WTF OKAY SO THIS SHOT ACTUALLY WORKS BECAUSE WHEN I WISHED, I HAD WISHED MY CRUSH WOULD LIKE ME BACK AND GUESS WHAT? I HAVE A BOYFRIEND NOW. WHAT THE HELLLLL?????

ok I’ve said this before but IM DOING IT AGAIN THE FIRST TIME I SAW THIS, MY WISH DID COME TRUE SO I REBLOGED AGAIN AND SAID IT IN THE TAGS BUT THEN I WISHED FOR SMTH ELSE AND IT LITERALLY LITERALLY HAPPENED LIKE A COUPLE DAYS LATER WHAT THE HELL SO NOW IM WRITING THIS HERE FOR YOU BC I DONT BELIEVE IN THIS CRAP BUT STILL IT’S AN AWFULLY BIG COINCIDENCE

So last time I reblogged this I met Tom Hiddleston within the month…

I saw this twice before and I didn’t really believe it but I wished for the same thing both times and now seeing it again I realise that I got my wish… The guy I like likes me back

OMG I WISHED MY CRUSH WOULD LOVE ME BACK AND ONE WEEK LATER WE CAME TOGETHER!!!!

I hate all of you.

(via bottled-up-emotionss)

No one is ever going to whisper “I love you” the way he did, at night. No one. Ever.

Rock bottom

It feels like the end. The rock bottom. I think I’m almost there. I belong to rock bottom. Getting high doesn’t help; I’ve tried everything. Everything. Now I just wait for the nights to knock me out so I don’t have to live through the night. Night time is the worst.
Meaningless sex doesn’t help anymore. Nothing does. Not even writing. I hate writing.
I’m wasted & I’m withering away. Some days when I look myself in the mirror - half naked, unkempt hair, a lit joint in hand, arms bleeding because of shots, mascara smeared, I realise how disgusting and fucked up I am. How low and debased I’ve become.
It disgusts me, makes me want to die but it doesn’t surprise me.

Rock bottom is home.

Absolution

I seek absolution
In your dreams
In your kisses
In your eyelids closing against my lips
In insanity
In pleasure
In ecstasy and in heroin
In cocaine
In bleeding into the night
In hating every single human cell
In loving every inch of her

I seek absolution
From everything I am
From everything I’m running away
From everyone who’s ever spoken to me
From everything cigarette I’ve ever smoked

I seek absolution
Because this is the end and we know it
Because we’re not goddamn martyrs
Because you can’t stop running in circles
Because life was never meant to be motherfucking fair

I seek absolution because death is final and oh so endearing.

“I used to think I was tough, but then I realized I wasn’t. I was fragile and I wore thick fucking armor. And I hurt people so they couldn’t hurt me. And I thought that was what being tough was, but it isn’t.”

—   James Frey (via fehlst)

But..but it is!

(Source: mortemsomnia, via ocean-deep-lovers-in-sin)

This is how I feel tonight:

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example,’The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.’

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that’s certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another’s. She will be another’s. Like my kisses before.
Her void. Her bright body. Her inifinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that’s certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.


(Reading this with ‘sparks’ by Coldplay playing in the background)

—   Pablo Neruda

“Condoms ribbed for extrasensitivity. The last thing I need is extrasensitivity. Here are condoms lined with a topical anesthetic for prolonged action. What a paradox. You don’t feel a thing, but you can fuck for hours. This seems to really miss the point. I want my whole life lined with a topical anesthetic.”

—   Survivor, Chuck Palahniuk

Back.

I think I’m losing my way all over again. I don’t know where to go or what to feel. I hit myself with morphine two days ago because I slept with someone who smelled like him. Maybe this is me spiralling down again. Maybe coming up for sunshine and rainbows was a bad idea because I’m meant to stay here, in darkness, forever. I’m back to smoking two packs of cigarettes a day and using some or the other intoxicant every night. I’m beginning to think I’m addicted, which makes it really messed up because I have the goddamn Huntington’s to deal with in the next 10 years. I’m thinking about rehab once I get back to the States but I don’t know if I have time at all to give something that’s definitely going to fuck me up for a year atleast.
I don’t know where I’m going but I don’t think I’m lost. As long as I have my drugs, I know the way.